Occupy Muppet Theater
A note from writer/actor Jason Segel
There comes a time in all great puppet franchise productions that a writer must decide whether to capture the zeitgeist of the times or accept as adequate the already boundary-breaking assumption that puppets of varying zoological persuasions are respected as equal members of a society otherwise much akin to our own. I admit: I opted for the latter, unknowingly bowing to the private interests that sought to incapacitate conservative critics from launching an additional barrage of condemnation beyond their abhorrence of the clearly-stoned Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem and the star-crossed interspecies romance of Kermit the Frog and Ms. Piggy, the soul of a cultural touchstone and the crowning indiscretion of an especially-despised boogeyman of the Right. Please accept this abridged alternate ending as my retraction of the blatantly neglectful anthem “everything’s great, everything’s grand.” If one theme holds sway from the first version of the film, let it be the Muppets’ tireless fight against the Tex Richmans of the world – a grand example of the kind of perseverance necessary to enact real social change, whether you’re a man, a Muppet, a Muppet of a man, or a very manly Muppet. - Jason
SPOILER ALERT
(The Muppets have just realized they have not raised enough money to save their theater from destruction by the evil oil baron Tex Richman.)
Tex Richman: GET OUT! This is my private property now Muppets!
Sam the Eagle: Well, Muppets. Private property is the law of the land. (Dejectedly) It’s time to call it quits.
Kermit (lifting his downtrodden eyes from the floor of the theater to face the devastated crowd): You may be right Tex Richman (voice quivering at first but gaining strength), but we do not recognize your ill-gotten power. You have too long sapped wealth from beneath our communities for the sole purpose of your personal gain, giving back in the form of polluted lakes and rivers – a sickness amphibians as myself feel acutely as it seeps into our bodies through our porous skin. But together, we are not porous! WE WILLOCCUPY OUR THEATER. THIS IS OUR SPACE. IT IS EVERY MUPPETS’ AND NON-MUPPETS’ SPACE TO LAUGH AND BUILD OUR BEAUTIFUL COMMUNITY, NOT TO DESTROY IT…OCCUPY MUPPET THEATER!!!
(The crowd goes wild; Michael Cain as Scrooge enters from Stage Left, assesses the populist uprising before him, and quickly retreats offstage again)
Ms. Piggy: Oh Kermie! (and faints)
(One hour into the ensuing General Assembly)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Point of Procedure! Animal – you can only yell “Mic Check” to respond to a…
Animal: MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Point of Procedure! POINT OF…
Animal (now surrounded by a drum circle nearby): DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS!
(The LAPD has surrounded the theater and is approaching the doors with a battering ram; scene shifts to the Upper Balcony Box)
Statler: Is this the part when they all get arrested?
Waldorf: Let’s just hope the Muppet Lawyers’ Guild doesn’t show up!
(They laugh heartily)
(Outside the LAPD begins battering the doors of Muppet Theater; Tex Richman stands nearby)
Tex Richman: Maniacal Laugh, Maniacal Laugh…
Evil Bear Sidekick: Maniacal Laugh… huh huh huh
(Meanwhile, on stage…)
Gonzo the Great: And now for my most important performance yet! (launching into a dramatic monologue) I used to be the 1% (crowd gasps)… until I blew up my plumbing works empire! (crowd cheers) But my actions will not stop at the merely destructive! We must build anew. We are art! We must create by freeing ourselves of our chains! Crazy Harry - ready my cannon.
Rowlf the Dog: Gonzo! You gotta stay nonviolent!
Gonzo: There is nothing violent about flying free through a theater’s doors! (To Crazy Harry) Light it up!
(Gonzo climbs into his cannon and is shot to the back of the theater, straight through the doors the LAPD is trying to break down)
(An hour later, most of the Muppets have been arrested, their wrists bound by zip-ties as they file into a paddy wagon)
Fozzie Bear (with one hand behind his back free of the zip ties, addresses a policeman): Hey Fuzz, what’s an angry bear’s favorite dessert?
Policeman: A bearclaw?
Fozzie Bear: An Occu-PIE! (pies the policeman) Oooo Waka waka!
(as the paddy wagon carts the arrested Muppets away, the front doors of the Muppet Theater are open, showing the Swedish Chef directing Camilla and the Chickens as they serve their fellow occupiers behind a table labeled “The Muppets’ Kitchen;” the drum circle continues in Animal’s absence; the faint sounds of singing emanate from the departing paddy wagons, “Life’s a protest song…everything’s not great, everything’s not grand, we’re going to do all we can do to occupy this land…”)
